Coping with Difficult Emotions? Go Back to the ABCs

Have you ever found yourself dealing with feelings that are overwhelming?  When that happens, do you find yourself stuck on a particular thought?  This often happens for those who experience disturbing events that don’t seem to have a resolution. That thought can replay over and over and over. And, that thought most often generates distressing negative emotions that bring you make it difficult to get through a day.

If you find yourself spinning, grab a piece of a paper and a pen and go back to the ABCs.  Draw two lines dividing the page into three vertical columns and label one A, the next B and the last C.  Then write in the columns:

A: Activating Event: Sit for a moment and think about the feelings you are experiencing. Usually you can trace the start of the feelings to a trigger or activating event.  Write about that event here.  

B: Belief (stuck point):  Consider what you are telling yourself about that activating event.  Usually there is more than one belief. If the activating event involved another person, often the beliefs are about that other person when you first start writing. If that is the case, keep writing beliefs until you get to the beliefs about yourself.

C: Consequence:  When we hold a belief, or feel stuck on a thought, ruminating on that thought can cause an emotional response. Write about the emotional consequences of the BELIEF, not the activating event.  Beliefs drive emotions.  For example, if a good friend tells me she’s moving out of town (activating event), I might believe “this is a good opportunity for her” (belief) and feel happy (consequence).  I might alternatively believe “everyone leaves me” (belief) and feel devastated (consequence).  

Example:

A: Amelia found a receipt from a strip club in her husband’s pocket when she was doing the laundry.

B: She told herself many things including:  He’s dissatisfied with me, He goes to disgusting places, He’s not trustworthy, I’m not pretty enough for him.

C: She wrote about feeling hurt, angry, disgusted, unimportant, sad, afraid and many more feelings.

Just writing through these three steps can help explore thoughts and feelings and begin to bring relief. Next, explore a little further to find out what the faulty core belief is about yourself.  You can do this by using if/then statements.  For example, Amelia might write, “If he’s not trustworthy, then that means I can’t trust him to be a faithful partner.” The false core belief might be “I am alone” or “I am unworthy.”  

Rewriting the false core belief can give you perspective, calm your heart, and change your emotions.  Amelia IS worthy of love and fidelity. Reminding herself of that can empower her and give her strength in the midst of painful circumstances.