The short answer – everyone experiences grief differently.
The long answer – let me explain. Now each of us most likely has experienced some form of grief, whether from a loss, a move, or grieving something that you never had to begin with. Life here on this earth is not perfect and so it is important to understand grief and what it may look like in order to help ourselves and others walk through it.
Grief is a journey, it is not a strait and narrow path, but a bumpy, curvy, winding path and each one of our paths looks different from the other.
There are a few things that can characterize the loss process and normalize the grief. Remember that each person experiences things differently and at a different pace, but this can help you to recognize your journey as one many have walked before.
- An event happens: Life as it was is no longer the same. It is impossible to experience loss and not change as a result. Allow that to happen.
- Impact: Understand that the impact of an event in your life can come out in a multitude of ways including: shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, guilt, blame, yearning and searching for meaning, mixed in with grace and unexplainable periods of peace; a rollercoaster. Important here: Allow yourself permission to experience the wave of emotions and express them.
- Second Crisis: This can often feel more painful than what actually happened. It is the aftermath of what occurred, it could look like depression, despair, loss of identity, loss of beliefs, a changed worldview, loneliness, feeling as if you have no foundation at all. Important here: Endure this, walk through it, you cannot take responsibility for what happened but you can choose to accept responsibility for how you get through it.
- Observation: This is what happens when you finally get the energy to endure the second crisis, take a step back, and get some distance from your feelings. In this part, you can observe both pleasant and unpleasant memories, ultimately gaining some perspective. This period might be done alone in solitude or in community with others. Important here: Look honestly at your experience, do it, reflect, although it may seem painful at first, it will help you. This is where you are slowly starting to turn towards adjusting to life after the loss. Don’t rush it.
- The Turn: This part is tough. It will take work, it is intentional. You are mentally shifting from being and feeling like a victim of loss and it takes courage to change. You are choosing to no longer let things like blame, guilt, or anger control your life. Important here: Take ownership over your happiness, it will take some adjusting.
- Reconstruction: This is where often painful, yet beneficial change is made. You may start a new project, shift a pattern, re-arrange schedules. You get to reclaim or recreate values, meaning, reason! The process of mourning involves the re-creation of things. Change is valuable and necessary at this point. Important here: Take a step forward.
- Working Through: Life will involve risks, pain, and trouble. This is when you realize that you have to be willing to live through those possibilities. You may need to learn how to problem solve, face a challenge, deal with emotions when they arise. Important here: Take risks, grief is not a one time occurrence, yet grieving allows you to integrate the loss you experienced into your life instead of avoiding it.
- Integration: Now the loss no longer dominates your entire life. You may experience a fresh, new outlook on life at this point. Know that it is okay to be okay, it is okay to feel joy again. That does not diminish the loss. You make a choice to fully live again with the loss integrated into who you are, yet you can laugh, have fun, make new memories. You may start to feel balanced again. This is good for you. Important here: It is your choice to engage with your life.
No matter walk, walk “into” grief, not “around” it.
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